Benoist...?

I'm so confused.
2 more years feels like both such a short time and a long time. Will I feel alone when it's over?
I feel like I want two things. But for some reason, I feel like I can only have one. I know it's completely greedy and insensitive of me. I'm not even sure which one I want most. It's so confusing. I'm stuck and can't tell where I should be going.
It's hard to tell with you. When it's just me, it's different, but when there are others, I'm not so convinced. You don't seem to push me away, even when we both know it's akward.
Then again, I can't be sure myself. Is it that way with you, too? Haven't I always wanted to stay stationary, no matter what I or anyone else wanted? I can't be sure if that has changed about me too, but I have a suspicion that it didn't.
In this time of change, I'm not sure of much of anything. Maybe in these 2 years I'll find out, and then we'll know the answer.