Missed

"Was it a possiblity? I don't think so. It was never that. Or were we fools-conscientious fools who passed up our chance of happiness?" -Major Erskine from Agatha Christe's Sleeping Murder

It was a possibility. I'm pretty sure of that. Now I've been wondering the consequences.
It was scary at first...terrifying, actually. I couldn't think clearly because it was so surprising. I was afraid of too many stupid, irrelevant things and forgot the most important priority... when he felt so concerned for my own feelings.
Although I do confess that after I cleared my initial concerns, I felt excited. I started to let my imagination run wild, and I imagined things that would likely not happen but could happen, and it made me so happy to think that it was even possible at all. My initial surprise really hadn't changed; rather, it had intensified because I still had so many questions and doubts. I was a little anxious still, but after I convinced myself that I knew the identity, I thought I felt ready to accept and say yes. Or was I? I never expressed my bliss at all. But it was the only thing on my mind for a long time. Even now, I can't help but to lapse back into thinking about that. I think about it several times every day. I feel like I haven't quite cleared the problem I created. I think I hurt someone that I really didn't want to. And when I think of all the courage and kindness and consideration that they must have mustered for it, I feel so crushed. I couldn't ever have done it myself. I wasn't able to see it at the beginning because I felt so scared and surprised; but I wish I had, for if I did, I might have been able to muster up enough courage to say something.
I just hope that what I didn't do won't wreck anything that was there. Not that I deserve their forgiveness and resurrection of feelings or for it to be alright, but I really wish it could be. It caught me way off guard, and I didn't mean it to end so inconclusively. I still feel like it's not finished yet, and I hope that it can be fixed sometime soon. I wish I could extend this message to the person who needs to see it, but I want to wait for the right time. In the meantime, I'm hoping things can hold together. I had the possibility, but I passed it up. I wish I was like them; I wish I'd taken action sooner.

A Holy Man

"Never lower the bar."
-Mr.Hardt

For once, I'm glad I attended something related to church this weekend. Actually, the whole experience really lets me relax from so much stress from other things, but I somehow end up agitated despite that. But not this time, because I've found my like-minded group of people.
Before Synergy, I thought I was alone in believing in certain things, like waiting for true love. But after listening to Mr.Hardt's funny and inspiring stories and explainations I know that those beliefs I thought were only mine are actually shared by people of my own religion. I realized that's probably where I formed those beliefs from.
So I don't have any bad feelings toward my religion anymore. I know it's not the easier way to live- Mr.Hardt said so himself- but I think that it will pay off in the long run. I have faith that it's something much bigger than I ever gave it credit for, and it deserves a chance.
I'm really glad I had this weekend to see that.
Secondly, about the beliefs thing- I really am relieved to know I'm not being stupid. I truly hoped that I was doing and believing the right things and now I know I am. I'll still have to work on that confidence thing, but honestly, I don't think I'll ever get it. Pride just isn't my forte.
So anyway, Mr.Hardt was speaking directly to us women when he said, "Never lower the bar".
He said that the number one question girls ask him in his surveys or whatever is "Why aren't there any good guys?"
There are good guys. But unfortunately (malheuresment =D ), there are fewer than there have been before. Mr.Hardt warned us not to lower our standards and settle for less and less. He said that we'll find that "holy man" someday that WILL be perfect for us if we keep faith. Just like how he met his future wife when he was dared to wear his "Jesus. JESUS. JESUS!!!" shirt to school. (Lyn and I would have loved to have those shirts, just for the memory. I wonder why they didn't give them to us for attending =S)
As I sat there listening to his stories, I wished everyone could be there listening, too. Because it really was great advice that would give people so much more hope and inspiration. I know that if the entire world could have heard him, they would feel just as inspired and reassured as I did, and I really wish everyone gets that opportunity someday.

Castles in Spain

"Just because life is hard, and always ends in a bad way, doesn't mean that all stories have to, even if that's what they tell us in school and in the New York Times Book Review. In fact, it's a good thing that stories are as different as we are, one from another."
-from Sundays at Tiffany's (Patterson 300)


Sometimes I see a bit of myself in characters in books. Then, and it always happens, the character does something very unlike me.
At times, when I feel the comfort of a person like me doing something I do myself (but their's is worthy of their own story), I feel somewhat significant. And I don't feel quite so alone in my opinions and thoughts and actions as I do outside the world of reading.
But then, when I read of the differences between us, I realize that I'm not a character in an captivating story; I'm just a character in real life.
I really do agree with Jane that all stories should have good endings. As it is, real life doesn't have marked chapters and scattered endings, and therefore it just stumbles forward without any (even provisional) resolution until the very end. But at the same time, I don't agree with the fact that life always ends in a bad way (and I don't understand why Jane said it, as she had a storybook ending herself). I am a strong believer in the opinion that we cause bad things to happen to ourselves; or rather, though we can't control the situation, we can control our reaction to it.
Anyway, I've always got three questions always tugging at the back of my mind. One that has recently formed in the past few years is whether imaginative dreams are truly worth hoping for.
Sundays at Tiffany's was probably the first book I've read that backed up the opinion that they are so strongly. But I've seen so many other examples elseware that tend to insist that there is no hope for such a naive desire. Reality is not fantasy, and that's a fact.
Although I know that's true, I can never stop believing that for a few lucky people it's possible to come halfway. Like in Jane's story. I cling to that hope, for I know I don't have much a chance in the real world.
I have to wonder what I'll be like in the future. Though I'd much rather savor my sweet past, I know I'll be forced to look forward someday. Yet there's still that irresistible temptation to wonder anyway. I guess I try to find my future self, or even my present self, within the characters that seem most like me in books. The only thing I seem to be certain about is my past self. But I can never be certain if that will be anough to guide me for the rest of my life, here in this achromatic world.

Letters to Sonrie

"I don't know yet what it is, or where it will be in reality, but I have a little house o' dreams all furnished in my imagination-a tiny, delightful castle in Spain".
-Anne (Montgomery 4).

So many available trips around the many countries of Europe... and not one that includes a trip to Spain. The path is so difficult. But hopefully one day I'll find my way to the seemingly unattainable. If I'm strong enough to endure it.
Though I don't know much about it, Spain seems to me a lovely place to visit. It would be my first or last stop for touring the world; I'm not sure which yet. Honestly, I'm not quite sure what it has to offer other than the Sunrise. I know they speak Spanish, and I've heard things about Madrid (that is in Spain, right?). But I still don't know much.
What I find funny is that the Travel Channel doesn't cover Spain much. I think I've seen a few things on it, but then I didn't have such a profound intrest in it.
I don't know what I'm hoping to find in Spain. Really, I haven't a clue why I'm so drawn to it. Perhaps that is what draws me to it; maybe I want to know what my curiosity wants to know.
I've been visited once, though the encounter wasn't likely to have the same effect on the visitor and the native resident. Maybe I'm looking to return the act just for curiosity's sake.
I may see the Sunrise, and I may not. But one day I'll make it to Spain, just to challenge the odds.

"The Substance of Things Hoped For"

"This world is wonderful to you because you're wonderful. There are always unfortunate people regardless of how wealthy they are. And there are fortunate people regardless of how poor they are. In the end, it's up to every individual to decide his or her happiness. You have the greatest wealth of all because you choose to be happy".
-Alicia (Aria: Amano 39-40)

Wealth is something often taken for granted in this time. Money, friendship, love...whatever the "wealth" may be, it's all the same.
I have often wondered what makes a truly wealthy person. Yes; one may possess a great deal of money, friendship, or even love. But is one really stronger than something else? And are these things individually what make our lives, literally or figuratively, rich?
Attitude is one certain thing that influences our "wealth". We cannot simply walk blindly into something and expect it to solve itself. One must work for and want to achieve happiness.
This is what I think it comes down to: Not money, friendship, or love, but happiness, is wealth.
Money, friendship, love, et cetera are part of the bigger picture of happiness. I think it's just the opposite that weath makes you happy. My belief is that happiness makes you wealthy. And although one may say that it is the same, it is not. The difference is subtle at first, it seems, but it gets to be more distinct as it is truly analyzed.
Choose to be happy, and fight for it. But do be careful of what you may think is most important, for it could be something else entirely.

Just Air and Imagination

Is it harder to love something or someone that doesn't exist?
You can wait for a real object or person (although you may never know when they are going to come). Eventually (hopefully), they will come. At least they exist.
But something half created from imagination, although it can take any form that you desire, still isn't truly real. It can never come unless by a miracle...or can it?
Is reality or fantasy more dangerous?
Seeing as I always tend to take everything in the most complex direction possible, I have to wonder if fantasy is more trecherous.
I guess it's just a good way to escape reality- and hope for the perfect model of your imaginings.
But if you set your hopes too high, even for thin air, do you feel the same amount or a greater amount of loss than you would for anything material?

I want so much to be a part of L.M. Montgomery or even Cornelia Funke's world. They weave such brilliant stories that it makes me want to live in a different time. I have a feeling I think far too much of fantasy. And in a world where there is nothing but reality around you, can you help but live in the past and keep your eyes out the window, spinning your own world with the prince Sonrie and customs from the Civil War era?

Well, I suppose only time will tell if too much fantasy is healthy or not for me.

Content

I feel like I'm holding back.
I can't put my feelings into the proper words, even though I want so much to be able to.
I want all those I care so much about to know just how much I care about them, or to let any similar emotion show in my face. But it seems I can never really show it.
I see everywhere that plenty of people have no trouble with this- everything, or most things, are apparent on their face, at least when they want their emotions to be known.
I wonder if I have a difficulty with it because I draw such a defined line between private and public thoughts. They hardly bleed into each other. I keep most things to myself, whether they are small or big problems or cause me little or a plethora of pain. Is it because of this that I feel hesitant to mention most things to anyone?
True, I don't usually have much anyway, but when I do I don't tend to openly share, either.
I'm always shocked to hear people saying that I always seem the most content or the "happiest person". How can I come across that way when I know that I'm really not?
I wish that I wasn't so weak;I want to be stronger, but I feel like I'm just not able to exert all that I really have inside of me.