"Was it a possiblity? I don't think so. It was never that. Or were we fools-conscientious fools who passed up our chance of happiness?" -Major Erskine from Agatha Christe's Sleeping Murder
It was a possibility. I'm pretty sure of that. Now I've been wondering the consequences.
It was scary at first...terrifying, actually. I couldn't think clearly because it was so surprising. I was afraid of too many stupid, irrelevant things and forgot the most important priority... when he felt so concerned for my own feelings.
Although I do confess that after I cleared my initial concerns, I felt excited. I started to let my imagination run wild, and I imagined things that would likely not happen but could happen, and it made me so happy to think that it was even possible at all. My initial surprise really hadn't changed; rather, it had intensified because I still had so many questions and doubts. I was a little anxious still, but after I convinced myself that I knew the identity, I thought I felt ready to accept and say yes. Or was I? I never expressed my bliss at all. But it was the only thing on my mind for a long time. Even now, I can't help but to lapse back into thinking about that. I think about it several times every day. I feel like I haven't quite cleared the problem I created. I think I hurt someone that I really didn't want to. And when I think of all the courage and kindness and consideration that they must have mustered for it, I feel so crushed. I couldn't ever have done it myself. I wasn't able to see it at the beginning because I felt so scared and surprised; but I wish I had, for if I did, I might have been able to muster up enough courage to say something.
I just hope that what I didn't do won't wreck anything that was there. Not that I deserve their forgiveness and resurrection of feelings or for it to be alright, but I really wish it could be. It caught me way off guard, and I didn't mean it to end so inconclusively. I still feel like it's not finished yet, and I hope that it can be fixed sometime soon. I wish I could extend this message to the person who needs to see it, but I want to wait for the right time. In the meantime, I'm hoping things can hold together. I had the possibility, but I passed it up. I wish I was like them; I wish I'd taken action sooner.
